Emotional Baggage

Monday night marked a huge milestone for me in terms of total weight loss.  And, when I hit that mark on scale I wasn't happy.  I felt an incredible sense of remorse and sadness.

I'm not sure how to explain what brought those strong feelings of sadness on, but I could barely keep from crying during my entire fat class.  I think weight loss is a very emotional experience for some people.  A lot of regret of past decisions and, perhaps with me, feeling like a failure because of my inability to maintain control of myself.

Monday night was definitely the most depressed I've been in a long time.  I even talked to my health coach about it.  Apparently, depression and sadness are pretty common reactions to significant weight loss.  And, I'm okay now.  But, it's obvious that it doesn't matter how much weight you lose, the emotional baggage is still there and it's pretty heavy.

Therapeutic Massage

As I mentioned recently, my foot has been killing me.  It's been almost three years since I had my fall, causing a lisfranc fracture.  And, for nearly two years I've been finished with occupational therapy.  And, these last two years my left foot has had very little flexibility.  My left toes barely wiggle.  My foot is so tight.  The recent dancing has irritated it and caused some swelling and aching.  Finally, I felt like it really just needs to be loosened up quite a bit.  

What better way to loosen it up but through a massage?  And, why just have your foot done?  Why not have the rest of me massaged while there?  So, I made a lunch appointment on Friday for a full body massage.  When I got there I talked to the massage therapist at length about my injury and asked her to dedicate a large portion of time to my foot.  She did and wow.... she really, really loosened my foot.  I could immediately feel the difference.  My toes can move and it's so much more flexible.  It's still no where like it was before the accident.  But, this is the first time since the accident that I actually feels as though my foot is close to normal again.  She suggested I see her for my foot a few more times in the near future to increase the flexibility.  And, while I'm there... I guess I'll have to take care of the rest of me, right? 

Welcome home, Vitamix!

Yes, it cost a fortune.  More money than I ever thought I'd spend on a blender.  But, I also never really thought I'd be so dependent on a blender either.  Especially since before this diet... I thought they were just for making margueritas!

On Saturday we welcomed the Vitamix into our home.  And, I can honestly say, on first shake... I fell in love!  It's an incredible appliance.  My green shakes have been so smooth and well-blended.  And, the book that comes with it has such a variety of recipes (soups, shakes, desserts, etc).  My husband couldn't wait to try out some soup recipes.  He did one tonight, in fact!

So, we have welcomed Vitamix happily into our home.   I hope you stay around for a long, long time!

The Case of the Burnt Out Blender

I've been on this diet 40 weeks, and that means 40 weeks of shakes.  That's a lot of blending.  I mean, I probably average 2-3 shakes a day.  So, I wasn't really surprised when the blender started messing up this week.  I've been having a lot of leakage. 

I think my new found addiction to green smoothies has taken a toll.  Even though my blender was still fairly new and a KitchenAid, the frozen fruit and heavy usage has worn it out. 

Now, I guess it's time to really invest in a heavy duty model!! 

All I See is Fat

Saturday night was my comeback for the Dance gig.  And while my routine was short (seriously, if you sneezed you would miss me), I was very nervous.  I actually felt more nervous this year than last.  That's partially because my new dance partner and I barely rehearsed.  We only had a couple of dedicated times to practice and we weren't really ever in sync.  So, I was never comfortable with it.

Secondly, I'm so much smaller.  And, people are looking.  Plus, I bought a special dress and I really wanted to look thin for the performance. 

I did get lots of great compliments on my dress and how I looked and I did feel great.  But, now the pictures are in and all I see is fat.  I do see I'm smaller, but I really feel like I look fat. 

A woman that works out with me lost a significant amount of weight several years back.  She warned me that mentally she is still messed up.  She said all she sees is fat still. 

I've spent my entire life seeing myself as fat.  But, I look at these pictures and I see all the flaws. 

I don't want to just see fat in me.  I want to move past this mindset.  But how?

False Feeling of Freedom

Weigh in was last night.  I mentioned in the last post my week included a crazy schedule, food from out of the box, alcohol... I was hoping to just maintain my weight this week.  I wasn't planning for a loss, or even hoping.

Since I've been in the maintenance phase (which has now been about 14 weeks), I've lost another 14+ pounds.  Certainly, I'd be glad to lose more.  But, I haven't been as focused on weight loss during this phase.  I've been more interested in freedom and maintenance.  And, I have enjoyed that freedom.  However, some days I'm reminded that my feeling of freedom is really false.  While I do enjoy the freedom of not being stuck in the box all the time, I am reminded every Monday at weigh in that freedom I've been enduring is false. 

Truth is, I'm never free.  My weight is always going to be an issue.  And, I can't forget that or I will fall back into bad patterns.

Anyway, the weigh in was, actually, great.  I weighed exactly the same on the scale, to the ounce! Guess I just got lucky.  But, it was a good reminder of to be cause of my new found freedom!

Running Ragged

I spent the last few days running like crazy to get things ready for my company's participation in a couple of different events, most especially the Dancing with the Stars deal. 

I missed three days of exercise in a row, ate off the diet, and drank.  Tonight's weigh in should be interesting.  My hope is to have merely maintained.  But, I wouldn't be surprised is a gain shows.  I wasn't really bad.  But, I might have been just bad enough. 

It's really hard to be focused on making healthy choices when I'm running ragged.