The {Equation}

I mentioned the dreaded conversation in my last post.

One thing that usually comes up in that conversation is them wanting to know the exact amount of weight I've lost. This isn't my favorite topic.  I get embarrassed by it.  And, those that aren't as close to me I don't feel deserve to know.  Because... I know how people are.  They start thinking.  They take the weight you've lost and start imagining how much weight you once weighed.  And, none of that is even relevant!  But, I've seen it happen.  There's a woman at the office that lost 100 pounds last year.  I've heard several people talk about that and how much she must have weighed before.... like that number is important for some reason.  Like it's a deep, dark secret of some significance... and all we knew about her was not real....as if it's the equivalent of something serious like hearing that her father wasn't really her father.

I know it's curiousity.  And, it's probably a little fear too.  And, then maybe it's a little egocentric...wanting to be more fit or look better than others.  I don't know.

If you're someone I don't feel close to or think might judge me you get the equation.  If you are someone I think loves me for me... were my friend before (when I was really fat) and will be friend no matter what I look like then you get the real number.

So, here's the equation: 

For people I don't trust/love/etc I tell them that I've lost 40 pounds.  For every ten pounds I lose after that I say 1 more pound.  Here's a real life example.  I saw someone the other day who asked.  This tiny thin girl at the office that has always been condensending.  In reality, I've lost about 60 pounds now.  So, I told her I lost about 42.  I just think that once you get 50 pounds or over people really start thinking and talking about it.  Maybe a little too much for my own comfort.

And then... when I've finished losing all I can lose... I can just say, "Wow, those last 5 pounds sure made such a difference!!"

The Conversation

I really hate the conversation.  It makes me uncomfortable.  I find it awkward.  It's just not fun.

You know which one I'm talking about?  The conversation about the weight.  It happens a few times a week and it just never is any fun for me.

They usually start with, "So, what have you been doing?"  I'm not sure what they are looking for here... to hear I'm taking something, had some sort of surgery... I know they mean well.  But, really.  It's just not a fun conversation. 

When they start it with, "What have you been doing?"  I feel like they are wanting to hear some magic.  And, I haven't mastered the right response yet.  I need a good response.  When I say I've been doing a program I feel like it discredits my commitment.  Don't know why.  But, to me it feels like the program gets the credit.  And, maybe it does.  When I say it's a program with the Lake (a local hospital), then I really feel like they are wondering if I had surgery or something.  Hospital + weight loss = surgery.  Right? 

So, I've started saying "I've just been extremely focused on eating lots of fruits and vegetables." Then I might even add, "Some days I will eat 10 or more."  This is all true.  I have been focused on that.  And, there are days I eat 10 or more.  This weekend, I ate 12 on Saturday and 14 on Sunday. 

But, I notice that sometimes they want more than that.  Fruits and vegetables don't seem to satisfy most.  So, I ultimately reveal that I've been doing a program.  All this goes back to my last post on LOSING weight.  It's really not that simple.  You don't just LOSE it.  You work your butt off to get rid of it.

I love it when some skinny approaches me for the conversation and their second question (after "what have you been doing?") is "So, you've started exercising a lot?"  That's when I wish I was still heavier and could just sit on them.  People don't mean to be insensitive.  They just are.  And, I know that I can be too about other things.  It's human nature. 

You'd just think I'd get use to these conversations.

LOSING weight

I hate the phrase "losing weight." 

It just doesnt give enough credit to the individual working hard to burn it off or their commitment to exercise or a focused diet or whatever.  But, all I know is when I lose something (like my phone, my keys, a shoe, etc), it's because I was careless. Forgetful. I wasn't paying enough attention.  It's the COMPLETE opposite of losing weight... which is VERY intentional and focused.  It's not like I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and wow, woke up 60 pounds lighter.  If only....

So, why haven't we come up with a better phrase for weight loss?  Surely there is some more accurate phrase we can give this difficult endeavor.  Something that truly illustrates the tremendous work of those individuals burning the weight off?  Seriously, we need to come up with something better.

Field Day

Field Day.  In elementary school we use to have field day once a year.  For an entire day, we'd compete in physical activities with other classes.  And at the end of the day we'd all get awards, ribbons, or medals.  Ah, field day... how I use to hate you. 

I was never good at any competition and have some very strong memories from field days of my youth where one classmates in particular (now a doctor) might have screamed to EVERYONE during the relay race, "NOOOOoooooo.. don't pass it to Christy... she'll NEVER get it there fast enough!"  Ah well.  At least we don't have to relive those moments... right? 

Except today.  Today, as part of a program we're doing for my work, I will return to my elementary school for its field day ... representing our company as we encourage kids to move more and play hard. 

A year ago I would have skipped the event all together...found someone else to attend, had another meeting... whatever... but now....  Well now, I juggled things around to be there today.... to walk back on the grounds of Alice Birney Elementary, where I was once tormented by fellow classmates and a future doctor who all could outrun me. 

Today, I don't care.  I don't care who can run the fastest. It doesn't matter.  Because, I know I am adequate and capable.  And, I can't wait for field day.

A Whole New Sense of Self

Tonight on The Biggest Loser the eliminated player talked about how his journey at the ranch brought him a whole new sense of self. 

A whole new sense of self.  I liked that description.  I got it. That's how I feel. 

Beyond my recent discovery of self relevance, I've also experienced a whole new sense of self.  With this new sense of self I feel balanced, pliable, at ease .... and I also feel adequate. 

Adequate... a word I never thought much of.  It always seemed simple and, perhaps, a little underwhelming.  Adequate.  But, when you think about yourself and your value....  adequate ain't half bad. 

Adequate and relevant:  Two cool qualities in my whole new sense of self.

Relevant

Weight loss brings many great things: better health, new clothes, energy... But what I did not expect was to have this feeling of relevance. 

Being smaller and closer to normal/average size gives me this strange sense of relevance.  I can't explain why really.  Perhaps a large part of it has to do with my job and the brand I represent everyday.  I feel more credible now at work.  That's for sure.  But, just in general.  I feel more relevant.  Like my opinion or presence is more significant somehow. 

It's a pretty powerful feeling. 

Hijacked

The week I am hijacked by an exhausting schedule making it difficult to post.

A Single Digit Tee

This morning my company sponsored a Wellness Day for Women. I was there bright and early (6 am) with my team, as we were overseeing the volunteers for the event.  Our volunteers are required to wear special t-shirts and I had called someone on my staff while on the road earlier this week to pull one for me.  I asked for an XL.  When I took the shirt home yesterday, I never looked at the size.  This morning I noticed it was a L.  I couldn't believe it.  "This will never fit," I thought.  Most L's run small and I can't remember the last time I wore a L t-shirt.  I didn't know what to do.  So I tried it on, hoping it wouldn't be too tight.  Prepared to stretch it out as much as I could!  I was amazed when it fit.  Fit loose, too.  I actually wore a turtleneck under it for the event. 

Since I started the diet, I really haven't replaced my t-shirts or work out pants.  And, my pants have all gotten WAY too big. I've been planning to go get some new ones.  And, I could also tell my t-shirts were all way too big.  But, I was still amazed to think a L would fit.  If you think about it, I've been a double digit/letter clothes girl all my adult life.  So, wearing a single digit tee makes me very happy.

Belle of the Ball

Ok. So we didn't get a lot of photos and most of them are not great.  Here's one of me before the ball.  I'm appreciating a glass of Silver Oak Cabernet.  If you know anything about wines, Silver Oak is absolutely fantastic.  Not a cheap bottle, either.  And, it was delicious!  When I actually get to enjoy of glass of wine these days, having it be a high quality glass is a spectacular experience!

The ball was fun.  I had a great time and the talking points really helped.  My friend's wife probably used them the most.  It was funny! 

And, it felt great to be at a ball in a dress that was flaterring.  I usually dread these things because I never like how I look.  I feel awkward and out of place.

I much prefer being the Belle of the Ball.

Talking Points

I took the liberty to draft a few talking points for my colleague who is also attending the ball event tonight (assuming it isn't cancelled to bad weather). It’s been a while since I got all dressed up for a ball. Long before I lost weight and I want to make sure I get some compliments.  Here's what I sent him: 

• What does it feel like to be the most attractive person in the room?
• I hope you know CPR because you’re taking my breath away.
• (To his wife) Baby, doesn’t Christy look hot?
• Is it a burden being that beautiful?
• Stop, drop, and roll girl… you are on fire.
• How was heaven when you left it?
• If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d have five cents.
• (this one is more of an aside) Way to go, God!

He loved it.  So did his staff.  They all know about the diet and taunt me regularly.  Anyway, I'm off.  Hoping to have a blast!  Will take lots of pictures.

Heading to the Ball

I have a big dressy ball to attend for work tomorrow night in New Orleans.  It's the first really formal event (ie Black Tie) I've attended since I started my diet.  So, I had nothing to wear.  And, I had no idea what size I really was or what would fit.

Shopping for me is not fun. I really don't like it.  And, it's even more irritating now because I'm in between sizes most of the time.  Plus, who wants to spend money on an expensive dress that they hope will be too small in a month?

And, let's talk about sleeves.  Why don't they have sleeves on formal gowns -- especially the ones in the plus size section.  Really?  Do we want to see fat arms?  I know you don't want to see mine!

It took me a while but I found something.  It's sleeveless (of course).  But, I found a jacket that worked. 

Anyway, the dress is in a size I feel good about and hopefully makes me look good.  We'll see!