Scale Results

Despite my inability to keep up with my food log and stay focused on the diet, I'm actually doing pretty good on the scale.  I'm either maintaining my loss or still lossing.  It's amazing, really.  I've felt so out of control the last few weeks with my crazy schedule around the new initiative.  I'm surprised to see these results on the scale.  Let's hope it stays that way!

Keeping it Together

My schedule has been crazy since the announcement and I'm having a terrible time keeping up with my food/activity log. 

I'm doing tv/radio interviews, dealing with calls from everyone about the program, etc.  I'm finding it hard to stay focused on being in the box.  I'm a little worried about this coming fat class.  The last thing I need is to start getting fat again while I'm working to get the state of Louisiana healthier!

I've got to keep it together!

Making the Announcement

 

Just a year ago, I was different. Much heavier. Less healthy. Just different.

A year ago I wouldn't be able to make the announcement.  I would have felt like a hypocrite.  I would have thought it was not in the best interest of company for me to be the one.  I'm not even sure I would have been able to really conceptualize this project a year ago.  

I feel like the diet, fat class, my job, the box... all these things are so integrated because so much of what I do, in my job, is focused around creating healthier communities.  That's why I was struggling so much a year ago with who I was and what I do.  I wasn't matched up.  I didn't look the part.  I wasn't the part. 

But, today I was.  I was able to talk about this initiative and obesity and not feel like a hypocrite.  Not be concerned that our brand reputation was at stake.  And, knowing that was acknowledging a huge shift for me mentally.  Today was a good day.

The Show Must Go On

Today is the tenth anniversary of September 11.  A day of loss for so many. 

This weekend brings a new loss.  On Friday night a 16 year boy died tragically in a car accident on his way to the theatre.  It was opening night for a show he was thrilled to be a part of.  His facebook post just an hour before illustrated his excitement around opening night and the show.  He was struck by a vehicle going 90 miles an hour.  The cast was devastated.  And, I was reminded of a time, ten years ago, when I was part of a cast who cried together. 

We were doing Pinocchio Commedia on 9/11/01.  And, we came together and cried and wondered what was happening in the world.  Could we continue a show?  I mean, doing comedy (much less commedia) after 9/11 seemed insane.  But, we did. 

I can only imagine what the cast of this show is experiencing... to lose someone so unexpectedly... someone so full of life... so young.  They cancelled the performance opening night, but pulled together and had an emotional run last night. 

As I said to their director yesterday, theatre people have the priviledge of this motto:  The show must go on.  It means, we are resilent.  We are flexible.  And, we push forward no matter what.  The show must go on.

That's how the country responded after 9/11.  That's how we were as a cast for Pinocchio.  That's how this group is now dealing with a very tragic loss.  Life doesn't stop for the rest of us.  The show must go on, no matter how hard it is to continue.

A Meeting of the Money Minds

I held a meeting with Foundations earlier this week across the state informing them of the initiative we were about to a nnounce.  Because our program requires matching funds, these Foundations really need to be supportive.  We're going to need their resources!

It was an incredible meeting.  Probably one of the most exciting meetings I've had in my career.  It's not that anything really significant happened either.  It's just that they were all so supportive and excited by our program.  They all wanted to support it.  They even talked about getting some of their donors to support the match. 

I left feeling so energized because I realized that we are about to put $20 million dollars into the state to change communities... to make them healthier, to build community gardens, parks, hiking trails, etc. 

Their support and excitement for the project means we are REALLY about to change the state.  And, what a great moment to soak up in my life... to be the originator of that concept. 

Losing Track of My Tracking

I've been so busy lately I have not been keeping up with my journaling.  In fact, I even keep misplacing my summary sheet.  I don't know why I keep misplacing it because I always put it in my booklet. 

I am worried that my increased business is going to have a negative impact on my eating habits.  I have to keep focused.  The last thing I want is to gain weight at the same time I'm doing statewide media about how we our commitment to improving the health of the state.  I finally feel comfortable enough, in terms of my size, that I will do tv interviews again on our obesity efforts (without feeling like a total hypocrite).  I don't want to change that now!

Transforming Myself, Transforming My State

So, in one of my last blog entries I wrote about my own personal transformation. 

What's exciting is... in the time I have been working to transform myself, I have also been working hard on a project professionally that will transform the state of Louisiana -- in terms of our health, fitness/activity levels, nutrition of citizens, etc.  It's a project that, hopefully, will transform communities... create infrastructure for healthy living.  Change the health of our state. 

The board voted tonight to announce the program publicly next Wednesday, which means my life is about to get busy.  Really busy. 

Will I be able to maintain my own transformation while I transform the state? 

Nonstop Eating

This weekend was filled with tropical storm weather.  Lots of rain.  For me, that means a lot of enjoyable inside time to relax. 

I don't know what it was... the weather, the indoors, etc... But, I could not stop eating!  Seriously, I felt hungry or had the munchies all weekend.  I just kept eating.  I wasn't really eating bad stuff.  But, I was eating much more than normal.

The only thing going for me is that I'm skipping class this week.  Monday is Labor Day so it's cancelled and I can't make any of the other classes due to work stuff.  So, at least I'll have a week to help get any extra weight from it off.

It's ALL Good

Had my appointment with the dermatologist regarding my spot on the back.  He checked it and the rest of my flesh (which he noted several times had LOTS of freckles and moles).  Then, he sent me off with an "All Good" thumbs up.  He did suggest, however, that I take an inventory of my many moles and check them regularly.  That should be fun.  I can't remember what I did yesterday... I have no idea how I'll remember all my many spots.  At least, I'm good for now and check this off my to do list.

Transformation

I spent a year transforming myself.  Physically, at least.  It's been an incredible experience.  Emotional.  Exhausting.  Excruciatingly painful.  Energizing.  Exciting.  Expensive!

Most days I don't feel as though I've had this major transformation.... especially lately because I've been around the same size for many months and I'm use to this new size.  Then I will see a photo of me (cringe) or run into someone I haven't seen in months (cringe cringe) and it's a reminder.  I don't like that reminder.  Because I feel like what you see now is who I was then... but I don't like that packaging. 

I have a couple of friends who I've gotten to be close with recently.  People who might have known me before the transformation (somewhat).  Knew who I was.  Maybe even knew I was heavy.  I don't know.  We never discuss it.  But, I've come to realize I like that they are really only friends with the new me.  I feel like there are a couple of people who don't even know or remember that other Christy.  The one I'm embarrassed by.  The one that makes me cringe.  The one with the ugly packaging. 

I was talking to one of them recently about writing.  What I write: plays, short stories, blogs, etc.  Blogs?  Well, then he wanted the blog address.  Oh Lord of the Rings... I can't have that.  This blog has captured all of the transformation.  And, if you didn't know that Christy... I certainly don't want you to meet her now. 

I had lunch with another friend this week who knew me before.  And, she wanted to have the local magazine do a story on my transformation.  I was horrified.  Absolutely not.  I don't want anyone to remember the old package.  A story would just remind everyone how absolutely fat I was.  I know a lot of people are excited about their transformations.  I've seen it on the Biggest Loser and other shows and in real life.  But, I guess I see it like editing down a real bad term paper.  Why would we go back and want to look at the original version?  It was a mess.  Not pretty. 

Is it bad that I want to hide the transformation?

New Beginnings

A few weeks ago Ginah announced to class that she would be moving.  Her finance had accepted a job out of state and she'd be gone by the end of August.  We were all sad, of course.

Ginah has been my primary fat class teacher since I started the diet.  In addition, Ginah has been a resource to me on work projects -- like a huge project we are about to announce.  So, I was certainly sad.  But, at the same time. . . I thought it might be good for me.  It's been a year.  I'm tired of the classes.  A bit bored with the program.  I've felt especially committed to staying on target because of her.  Having a new instructor might bring me a new perspective.  It's a way to start anew. 

Instead of me being on the path to continue to lose weight, I think I'll enter this relationship with the path to maintain my current weight.  If I happen to lose more, ok.  If not, that's fine too.  Because Ginah was with me from day 1, I have felt like I should see a loss every week.  I feel guilty on weeks I maintain.  I have seen Ginah as my weight LOSS teacher.  But, the reality is I've been in the maintenance phase for months.  And, I need to start wrapping my head around long term maintenance. 

The good news is I will still have Ginah in my life for a while longer.  Even though she'll be states away, I've talk to her about doing some work for me while she looks for a new position.  She has a great depth of knowledge around nutrition and fitness -- much beyond the too scripted fat classes I've been sitting through.  (In fact, one might argue that her talents were wasted in that restricted environment).  Regardless, it appears we may continue working together professionally.  And, that's exciting.

But, I'm also excited to begin anew in the program under this new perspectives.  Let's see where it takes me.

Play Ball!

Recently, I participated in a softball game at church.  Adults against kids!  ROAR!!!  Bring it!  Let's kick these kids..... well, you know. 

Whoooo, chere!  It was hot out.  We're talking August in Louisiana.... so very hot.  But, it was fun to play. 

Actually, it felt really fun to run around and be physical without feeling so self conscious about my size/weight.  I had a great time.  I would do that more.  It made me feel youthful. 

And, it didn't hurt that we won.  Oh yeah... we kicked those little kids butts! 

Under Surveillance

I had my follow up on the lump and, for now, my breast are under ongoing surveillance.  They want to keep an eye on it, though they suspect no real need to worry. So, I have a follow up in a couple of months.  Again with my friend from the gym.  She'll be getting to know me pretty well, it appears. 

However, when we were finishing up... my friend suggested I have a spot on my back checked.  "It's probably fine," she said.  "But, better to be safe." True 'nuf, seeing that my younger cousin was just diagnosed with a minor case of melanoma. 

So, now I get to go in for another issue.  I feel like my whole body is under surveillance right now.  And, it's getting expensive (not to mention bringing too much unwanted anxiety).

I'm So Not a Runner

My spin class changed up the structure.  It's now more of a circuit class.  We will spin, then run track, then do ab work, then run, then spin.  Yesterday, we did about a mile of running.  And, while I completed it... I am so not a runner. 

I thought dropping a bunch of weight would make me more athletic, more flexible, a better runner.  Nope.  I thought all these things would be easier.  It's becoming more and more apparent to me that I'm simply not an athlete.  I have no real athletic abilities.  There was a reason I was the last one chosen for teams in school... because I stink at sports.  In vollyball, I suck.  In softball, I suck.  I'm the slowest runner.  And, apparently, weight has nothing to do with it. 

Guess I'll just have to keep working at it.  Yuck.

An All New Low

Well, it happened.  I have hit an all new low... just when I thought I couldn't go any lower! 

I lost 2 more pounds and am at the lowest I've been ever on the diet and since college.  In fact, I'm (sadly) now at the weight I put on my drivers license 20 years ago and would never change during each renewal -- despite major hints and questions over the years from DMV workers, "You sure there isn't anything else you wanna update, honey?!?" 

Anyway, I'm feeling good.  And, it's probably the first time in my life I'm excited to have a hit a new low. 

Double Lunch

So, Ginah gave me some tasks this week to help me increase my weight loss.  Basically, she wants to shake up my routine. 

Ok... that's fine.  But, the problem is. . . she really wants me to eat more food during the day.  I typically do a lot of shakes during the work day.  Why?  Because my schedule is very difficult and shakes are super easy.  Well, she even put me on the spot in front of the entire class and made me promise to incorporate certain items in on my Wednesday -- which was going to be a challenging day.

I said, Ok.  I packed up some salad stuff and veggies for me to eat on Wednesday and only did shakes for breakfast.  Meaning, I took none with me to work.  Well, I couldn't really make myself eat the raw vegetables between the meetings I had.  I tried... I really did.  But, it was hard.  Then I had a lunch meeting.  And, they had some vegetables there.  I know they had butter on them.  But, they were vegetables... right?  So, I got a plate with some.  Very small portions of everything I got.  But, I was trying to add food, especially since I didn't have my shakes.  And, now I was feeling hungry.  My next meeting was at a restaurant.  It was planning meeting for something and I ended up ordering more vegetables.  I thought, more is better... right??  And, I told the waitress I could NOT have butter on them.  Well, the broccoli was fine.  Dry and tasteless.  Perfect.  :(  The potatos were different.  Covered in butter.  I pulled the waitress and said, "I said they can't have butter."

She said, "Yeah... we'll that's just how they make those so you have to have it."  She was preoccupied and made no attempt to fix it with anything better as she jetted off.  So, there they sat in front of me.  I ate the broccoli.  It was pretty terrible.  Then I tried a potato.  Then another.  Then another. 

I kept thinking... I would have been better off with the shakes.  Why didn't I just stick with the shakes?  So, in the end I had a double lunch.  That will certainly mess with my routine.  Hope it helps increase my metabolism, too!

Frustrated

.8

That was my loss last night.  .8 

Not even a pound.

Ok.  So, I know it sometimes takes a while for the exercise to catch up with the weight loss.  But, not even a full pound?  Uggh.  It's amazing how much harder the diet gets.  And, I am really no where near I should be for my weight.  I mean, I'm at a comfortable weight.  I like my size.  But, I still have sections that could slim down quite a bit and, if you look at those dumb charts, I could probably lose another 30+ pounds to be considered normal weight for my height.

Now, let me set the record straight.  I'm in no way interested in becoming anorexic.  I'm sure my friends, who really know me, realize this is pretty impossible.  I am sure at times, though, I may sound like a crazy person.  After all, I did just bike 160 miles in three days to try to drop a pound!  (Course, it didn't work.. so I'm a terrible anorexic, anyway.)

I just know that weight loss is harder the closer I get to my normal weight range.  So, I can only imagine how difficult it will be to maintain my loss once I get to a stopping point.  Frustrating!

160 Miles

Still focused on getting down to my lowest weight yet... I'm trying to get extra exercise in.  So, over the weekend (this includes Friday) I did 160 miles on the bike at home.  And, yes... I am tired.  That really is a lot of time to sit on a bike.  Even a recumbent bike gets old after a few hours....

I just really want to lose more.  And, I am frustrated with myself.  So, the biking helps elevate the frustrations while burning calories!  :)

Anyway, I better see some kind of loss tonight on the scale!

Out of Hibernation

Well, I got myself back in the routine and hit spin and step class this week.  Yes, I felt out of shape.  It doesn't matter that I can bike (at home) 50-60 miles in a day.  It's different to do a spin or step class where someone is screaming at you to move faster!  No one is doing that at home.  I may push myself during a ride at home but not for the length that I am in a class.  I  know it.  And, that's why it's important for me to keep mixing these classes in my routine.  So, I'm happy I made it back.  Let's hope I don't go back to my hibernation days again. 

365 Days

Yesterday was my 365 day in the program, on the diet, in fat class in the box, whatever....  THREE HUNDRED ++ days. 

Yes, that's a lot.

At weigh in, I was disappointed.  I wasn't able to get back down to the lowest weight I logged so far while on the diet.  And, even though it was only a pound and a half... it was still higher than I wanted to weigh as I cross the line from one year to the next. 

Ginah was startled by my sadness and disappointment and tried to console me.  She kept talking about the big picture.

I said, "Yeah... I know about all that, yadda yadda, and I get it.  I know in the scheme of it, I should be thrilled.  But, the truth is.. I'm not.  I just need tonight to be mad at myself and tomorrow I will be fine."

Needless to say, I've had several calls from her today.  I guess she was worried I went off the deep end.  But, I did need a minute to be mad and upset.  Now, I'm fine.  Today I can appreciate what I've accomplished.  And, now I can look forward to the next 365++ days of my new life!

52 Weeks

I'm closing out my 52 week in the program. And, Monday will mark a year on the diet. A year of my life.

How does those 52 weeks translate into longer life? Will it? How many more weeks have I added to my life because of this program? Because of my commitment to change my life?

It's kind of a bummer to walk into your 52 week with a 3 pound weight gain. And, I have spent all week working pretty hard to stay focused on losing that three pounds. I'd really like to hit my one year mark being the lowest I have ever been on their scales. But, my scale at home isn't giving any indication that will be the case tonight. I'm trying not to let that upset me.

The truth is... life comes with patches of ups and downs and you just have to focus on long term. I'm still down such a significant amount from a year ago. I'm eating so many fruits and vegetables I never thought I would be. I know I must be healthier.

People ask me a lot if I feel different. I still feel like me. I feel like inside this is how I've always been and now maybe people can really see me more? Interesting concept. Seeing more of me by there being less of me.

Anyway, if I could celebrate these 52 weeks with wine (which, by the way was the plan but we had to postpone a napa trip due to finances) I would do so with a Caymus or Silver Oak. Like those two labels, this is worth the investment.

Strategies

Strategies.

That is an overused word in fat class. Strategies.

Ginah loves to talk about strategies. What strategies work? What strategies can you use? Strategies.

This past week in fat class (you know, the one where I gained 3 pounds) she called me out. There was one minute left of class. And, the class was already in a roudy mood. In a very inadequate attempt to get us pulled together and send us off with one more "strategy" for the week she loudly said, "Wait... Christy has a strategy that can help!" She was referring to one of the students in the back who apparently was having issues not eating food that was living on his counter. At first, I was like... I do? Don't you remember from our confession session 40 minutes ago that I gained 3 pounds? Then I realized that she was referring to my time in Tennesee with my mom.

At this point, I really had no interest in continuing the strategy session and was ready to bolt. After all, I had just been presented the damage of my eating out. I wasn't really up for providing support. So, when she said... "Christy, what are some of the strategies you used to get through that challenge?" I turned to the back of the room, looked the guy in the eye and said, "I just tried to stay drunk the whole time!"

This had the class roaring (including the nuns) and had Ginah off in a tizzy. I thought it was a good strategy, honestly.

The BIG 4 Oh!

At Christmas I will be celebrating my 40th birthday. This weekend, some old friends from high school came together to celebrate all of ours. We've been talking about doing something for months. It's just three of us, but it seemed significant... we should celebrate it together. We talked about taking a trip or doing something big. When it came down to it, we went low key. Just a night in the quarter in New Orleans.

Saturday we met up and it was nice. Low key. Relaxing. We enjoyed dinner and conversation. Never even made it to Bourbon Street. We were too busy playing scrabble back in the apartment over champagne. A bottle we couldn't even finish, mind you.

Yes, we were pretty lame. More than anything... I think we were all tired. Each of us had been experiencing our own challenges lately and really need just some calm conversation. And, that was very nice.

We ate and drank and talked. And, it showed this week on the scale. I was up 3 pounds!

Oh well... you only turn forty once... right?

Back in Hiatus

In the winter months, I was having a hard time going to the gym. I'm feeling the same now. I am only working out at home -- which means very little variety. And, that's not a good thing. But, I can't make myself go. I canceled my pilates class because of the cost. It seemed like I really shouldn't be adding to our expenses right now. And, I've just been skipping spin and step class (which are free to members) since we left for vacation.

I've got to get myself back. At least I'm still exercising, but I know it's not the intensity I should really be focused on right now. This hiatus is just a little too warm and comfy...

Can't Explain It

Perhaps the anxiety is helping to burn calories?

After the increase in wine during last weeks rehearsals, I was certain I'd see a gain on the scale. But, there was actually a loss. Down 1.7 pounds. I'm guessing its probably a catch up from the 50 miles a day I did last week when we returned from vacation.

I seem to notice that exercise (with me, at least) takes a week to catch up. Because this past week, I didn't even hit my goal of burning 2000 calories. So, less exercise and more wine shouldn't equal a weight loss.

I can't explain it. But, I'm certain that means next week I'm in trouble!

Mounting a Play in a Week Requires A LOT of Wine

While I may have survived my mother's chex mix, I have not survived the workload and wine required to mount a play in one week.

I was asked to take a play I wrote last year and produce it as a benefit for a local nonprofit. Well, its a childrens play and not all that entertaining for adults. So, it really need to be rewritten some as well. And, I didn't have much time to get it going with vacation... not just mine, but the others who agreed to do this with me.

We had one week to get this thing done.

Turning a childrens play into a funny adult piece takes time/wine. Last week I did regular meetings with the cast to make this thing entertaining and our host (one of the actors) kept the wine coming. It did seem that the more wine we drank, the funnier the script got. This, of course, made us a little nervous. We thought we better bring in some sober individuals to hear a read. To our surprise, they liked it. Guess the wine worked!

Yesterday was the performance. And, we were a hit! But, I am pretty concerned that the creative juices I was enjoying might show up pretty good on the scale tonight.

The Very Friendly Breast Exam

The week I left for my "vacation" to the Lakehouse in Tennessee, I had an appointment with a specialist for the lump.  I had already seen my Gynecologist.  She then had me do a mammogram and an ultrasound.  All of this was to be followed up by a thorough exam with this breast cancer specialist. 

The past few weeks of activities have been titillating, to say the least.  (Pun so obviously intended). 

The exam with the specialist was really just the best experience yet.  I had actually googled her ahead of time and asked a friend who shares her last name if there was a relation.  Nope.  I even saw her picture online.  No recognition.

I'm waiting for her to enter in nothing but a hospital gown (opened to the front) and a pair of pants.  When she walks in, she is so excited and says "I was hoping it was my friend!"  Two issues here.  Hoping?  (Who hopes its someone they know when it could be cancer?) and Friend?  (Wait, are we friends?)

She even hugs me.  Reminder.  I was in nothing but a hospital gown (open to the front).  Then she goes on about how she saw my name and wondered... etc.  I am so confused.  Who the hell is this?  Then it hits me.  Oh sssssh...t!  Oh crap.  I know who this is.  Awww, man.  What is with my luck?

It's a woman I work out with EVERY morning at 5 am.  I knew she worked for this hospital system, but had no idea in what role.  Also, we NEVER see each other in makeup or with real work clothes on.  So, it took me a while to realize.  And, no... her photo online did not help. 

So, for the next 45 minutes she exams me.  Really, it was a very long time.  Lots of touching and comparing breasts.  This is all done through a sidebar conversation around whether I was going to continue to take pilates class.  Oh my.  It got really cozy, I'll say. 

Two important things to note. 
1.  Recently, my gym had a weight loss competition.  It ran from December to June.  I was really hoping to win because the prize was $160 bucks.  And, with our recent financial hardship, that would be a lot of money.  Second place was $55.  I took second place to this woman.  But, if you think about it... it probably cost me $55 or more to see her... so it's like she won both prizes, eh?

2.  Diagnosis:  Inconclusive.  Nothing is showing on the scans but she and my doctor can feel the bump.  It's probably nothing, but lets monitor it.  So I return in August for another friendly breast exam.

The Truth of My Reality

So, I have mentioned my stress recently.  The truth is... things have been stressful this summer.  My husband was laid off in early June and that caused me to really stress about money.  In addition, he decided to open his own practice -- which requires some start up costs (office, furniture, website, collateral, etc).  All of that is very necessary but can add up.  And, on one income... I'm feeling anxious.  We have some money in savings, but I don't like tapping into that.  It's really not a lot and will go fast. 

In addition to this financial hardship, the morning of the day he was laid off... I discovered a lump.  Yep... some UHO (unidentified hard object) was noticeable in my left breast.  And, that caused me even more stress.  Then, when I found out about my husband's job... I'm pretty sure I went right into high anxiety mode. 

Let me just say this... when you are stressed and anxious, it is especially hard to stay focused or even concerned about the diet.  Maintaining high levels of fruits and vegetables as well as increasing exercise seems pretty insignificant. 

So, even though I really wasn't planning to blog about it.  It seems almost too personal to put online... it is very much impacting my diet, my life.  And, after all... this is the truth of my reality. 

Up .4

Last night was my first weigh in after my many days away....  after many cups of chex mix... after many sips of alcohol. 

Apparently the biking helped (A LOT) because I was only up .4 on the scale!!  That blows my mind, actually.  And, I'm grateful.  But, wow... I am amazed.  Maybe I wasn't as bad I thought? 

Hmmmm.... I'm gonna stick with it being the 170 miles I biked upon my return. 

Regardless, my fat class teacher (Ginah) was thrilled.  I thought she was going to kiss me, actually!  Now, gotta keep it off.

50 miles at a time!

All that chex mix showed up on the scales when I returned.  I had to do an intervention with myself.  I needed to get some massive PA in to try and take off some of that unwanted weight.  So, since Thursday I have biked 170 miles... two days in a row I biked 50.  This equates to about 3500 calories, which is a pound.  So, hopefully at my weigh in tomorrow I will be a pound lesser than I would have.  Meaning, I'll be up less! 

But, I know... I'll still be up something.  I was too bad to be so lucky.

A Miscommunication over Chex Mix

Before heading to the Island, I had a text exchange with my mom over the fact that I've been challenged a lot lately on the diet.  I'm having a hard time saying no to foods I really shouldn't eat.  So, she responded...

"I won't make chex mix then."  She's fully aware of my addiction to that deliciously salty snack!  That text was quickly followed by "I'll make foods I know you don't like."

So, I responded "Please do.  Though I would really love some chex mix."

My point was... please do make only foods I don't like.  Please keep from tempting me.  And, gosh chex mix sounds sooooooo good.  My point (again) was... I'm easily tempted. 

When our car broke down and we got in my dads he said, "Well, at least your mom's got the chex mix started." 

I was confused.  I said, "She's making chex mix?" 

"Yeah, she said you really wanted some."

Clearly, we had a miscommunication. 

Anyway, she had a batch ready when I got there. 

And, by the time we left she had made 14 batches (of which I ate most of).

Oh well....  it was delicious!

Bruised and Bloody

My luck really hasn't shifted... yet. 

In an attempt to get in some exercise and keep my PA level high, I did some stairs around the property.  The place is packed with staircases and steps and stone paths.  Around the pool area I was walking up steps and around the pool, etc.  I was trying to get some intensity in where possible.  About 8 minutes in, I bust my ass.  Drove my knee right into a stone step and now my legs are bruised and bloody and sore. 

So, I have decided to just relax.  I'm not going to push anything.  I'm going to swim and enjoy the lake.  I'm going to eat what I want to eat.  If I gain 10 pounds, then I'll worry about that when I get home.  I'm here for a getaway and to relax not get bruised and bloody.

Independence Day

When we arrived in TN, I quickly took note of the challenges ahead.  My mother is quite the cook and is planning to prepare a lot of tastee treats for all the social gatherings ahead at the Lakehouse.  Yesterday was my midweek call into Ginah... to give her my stats and update her on whats happening (challenges, etc).  So, I sent her this photo.  Basically, I want her to expect that I'll gain 10 pounds this week.  And, hopefully when I only gain 5 she will be proud of me. 

Her return message to me sounded frantic... almost as if I was abducted by aliens and she feared for my life.  She asked if my mother could put the food away... in the pantry, out of sight.  I had to gently explain that there was no room in the pantry and she REALLY didn't want ot see what was in that.  :)

I also had to email her photos of where my food was (in the downstairs bar area).  She approved of my keeping it separate from the other food but still sounded frantic.  "Are there foods in the kitchen area that you can eat?" she asked.  I assured her there were lots of fruits and vegetables nearby and even sent a photo.  She seemed to relax then.  But, it was funny how scared she sounded for me. 

I think she would have come and gotten me if she could.  She did not sound happy at all about my being there.  I just said, "well now you know why I was so fat!"  My mother enjoyed the dialog back and forth between me and my fat class teacher.  She was laughing at it all and said, "Do I need to talk to her?  Just tell her it's Independence Day... and you need some INDEPENDENCE!!!!"

Touche! 

Stress Free Vacation

My weigh in on Monday showed a decrease.  I was down 2.3 pounds.  But, overall I'm still up .7 from my lowest weight. 

I was hoping to have lost the entire 3 pounds before leaving for our family vacation yesterday.  We're spending a week at my parent's lakehouse in Tennesee.  Even though I packed my blender, shakes, and diet food, I'm anticipating some extra weight coming on. I just know what happens when I go there.  Lots of food.  Lots of booze.  It is what it is.

We left yesterday with a car full of stuff.  Our clothes, my food, and some stuff my dad asked us to bring (boxes of home grown tomatoes, jars of homemade salsa, and a case of Westerhall rum).  It's a 9 hour drive to their house and we were ready to get there.  Especially me.  I have really been looking forward to this get away.  And, yes... the diet and potential weight gain has brought on some anxiety... overall, I'm excited and eager to be away for a few days. 

We barely got out of Louisiana and into Mississippi before our car broke down.  Yep.  Broke down.  We had just stopped in Picayune (MS) for some veggies.  I had left mine in the fridge at home and was already starting to feel hungry.  So, we ran in quick and grabbed some.  When we got on the on ramp for the interstate, the car started acting funny.  And, it eventually stopped running.

Now, here we are 90 minutes into our trip with a car full of stuff and my lap full of veggies.  It's nearly 100 degrees out.  And, we break down.  Perfect. 

After numerous attempts to determine what the problem is, my husband gives up.  We call a tow truck and take it to a dealership.  Thank goodness there was one just an exit away.  Another great thing was my father was scheduled to drive to TN later that day.  He was able to leave a little earlier than planned and picked us up.  He also had a packed car and that was a little challenge, at first.  But, we packed what we could in and left our car in Mississippi.  And... got ourselves on hit the road again. 

Let's just hope the dealer doesn't call with some really bad news.  I was really hoping for a stress free vacation. 

Steady Jog

Yesterday's spin class was more like a boot camp.  It was 10 minutes intense spinning, then jogging the track, then rigiourous ab exercises, then back to the track, then more intense intervals on the bike. 

I was pretty worried I'd be out of shape for class since I have been so relaxed in my workout routine.  And, I could feel myself struggling at first.  But, overall I surprised myself. 

I'm not a big runner/jogger.  I do short bouts of it.  But, between my foot injury and my weight, I have never enjoyed it.  Our instructor had us do 5 laps of straight jogging.  A year ago I would have never been able to maintain it.... a steady jog.  But, yesterday I did.  I was pretty proud of myself.  It's good to see my physical abilities improving.  I need to keep challenging myself, though. 

Male Envy

I'm experiencing some serious male envy. 

I've come to realize (actually, this isn't really a new realization) that I really don't want to work out midday.  Once I'm dressed and ready for the day, I don't want to change into workout clothes later and get sweaty.  That just means I have to shower, reapply makeup, dry my hair, etc.  It's quite a hassle. 

This is what makes me envious of men.  I keep thinking if I was a man, I could get in a quick workout midday.  I wouldnt have to deal with all the nonsense that women do.  They really have it easy.  They don't have the makeup or accessories of women.  Taking off my jewelry can take a good five minutes sometimes. 

I recently blogged about not wanting to exercise.  I missed my workout last Friday morning and packed a bag so I could work out at the office.  But, I really couldn't make myself do it.  The biggest obstacle, in my head, was having to go through the process of getting ready again.  It was overwhelming.  So, I never worked out. 

Oh, to be a man....

Yo-Yo

I've been in the maintenance phase of the diet for 22 weeks.  In that time, I've lost and gained... mostly lost.  I've watched others yo yo the entire time.  Up 4, down 2.  Up 3, down 1.  The ups are usually higher than the downs. 

This week my scale has really been yo-yoing. A lot.  I was down 6 pounds from Monday to Friday, but today I am up again.  So, I have no idea what to think about the weigh in tonight.  I'm just going to hope it's not another gain.  I'd love for it to be a loss of the entire gain I've had plus some.    But, that seems pretty unrealistic. 

Anyway, I'm hoping this isn't the beginning of some ongoing pattern as a yo-yo.

Just say NO....

to exercise. 

That must be my motto coz I sure haven't done any.

Seriously,  none all weekend.   None Friday.  None Saturday.  None today.  Nothing.  Just can't get myself to do it. 

Friday I slept in some and even packed a bag so I could work out during my day... nope.  Didn't do it.  I even had plenty of time.  Just couldn't make myself go.

Saturday I had a morning rehearsal and then spent the afternoon/evening with a friend and our girls.  I just never tried to get in exercise or really even cared.

Then today... my nephew came over and a friend of the kids.  I could have snuck in some, but (again) I just didn't even try.  So, I know this will probably impact the scale tomorrow.  And, I should care more. 

I hate that I don't.  Sure, I don't want to gain any more weight.  But, I don't really want to work as hard as I need before either.  This slump of mine needs to pass.  Real soon.

Scaling Down

My 3 pounds weight gain on Monday has shown strong signs of disappearing.  The scale this morning brought great hope.  Perhaps it will all be gone, and then some, on Monday's weigh in.  I've been pretty focused this week on water intake, exercise, and what I'm eating.  Let's hope I can keep focused through the weekend.  I like see the scale go down again.

Stress Density

In November I wrote about stress density and my inability to lose weight and all the stress I was under at that time.

Here I am again.  Only in November, I was probably more rigid in my diet.  I was still really in the box - unlike now where I've been cheating more.  Cheating... meaning I eat outside the core curriculum (beyond box food and fruits and vegetables).  I've had more drinks lately.  A lot more and more often. 

But, this has been a very stressful time for me.  The last few months at work have been very challenging.  A lot of growth (which is great) along with quite a few dozen moments of frustration.  Along with that there have been several other things I'm juggling that are causing anxiety and stress.

Monday night's weigh in was my worst.  I knew it wasn't going to be pretty.  The scale (over the weekend) had been warning me... really, really warning me... that it was going to be bad.  It was less bad than the warning signs, but I was still up almost 3 pounds.  I'd been pretty proud of my track record.  My biggest gain to date was 1 pound, once.  Any other gain was like .4 or .2 or .5 once.  I basically call that maintaining. 

For the past few weeks I haven't seen a loss.  It's been up .2 or staying exactly the same or down a tiny bit.  But, up 3

I talked to Ginah about the stress I've been under.  And, that I've had more drinks lately.  And, yes... I believe I am responsible for this gain (to some degree) with bad choices.  I also know that I'm very stressed and I've felt especially dense.  My skin is tight.  My legs are tight.  My clothes are tight.  To make matters worse, my blood pressure is elevated. 

I've got to get myself back on track coz I really hate the way this "density" feels. 

Neiman Marcus Dress

On my recent trip to Minnesota, I was searching for a dress to wear for Dancing with the Stars.  I searched and searched for something flattering... anything.  I found the dress to the left at a Neiman Marcus in Minneapolis.  And, it fit like a glove.  It was almost too tight in the sleeves and very fitted throughout.  And, it looked great.  I thought it was really flattering.

So, I bought it.  And, when I got back it just wasn't exactly what I needed for the dance.  The dress has stayed in the NM bag since April.  Last week I was invited to a cocktail event for an organization we fund.  I thought... wow, I can wear the dress!!  I was so excited.  That's probably the biggest reason I wanted to go.

Anyway, here I am in the dress... which by the way is much looser than when I bought it.  The sleeves fit perfect now and the mid section is almost too loose. 

I wonder what it would cost to have it taken in.  I really like this Neiman Marcus dress.  :)

Public Nudity

It's been a VERY long time since I felt the least bit comfortable about being half-way nude in public.  A bathing suit has not been something I've wandered around in publicly.  In fact, on trips with friends, I'd be completely covered in shirts and shorts or whatever.  I did not want anyone seeing any part of my body.

This weekend, I went to a friends house in New Orleans.  And, he has a lovely little pool.  When packing, I was so excited -- remembering the pool.  I thought, oh cool... I can go swim!!  That would have never crossed my mind before.  I just wouldn't have even thought to pack a suit.  But, now I feel more comfortable.  I still hate my arms, but I'm working on them.  And, I'm not hiddeous. 

I never thought I'd say this, but it's very exciting to be able to walk around half naked in public!!

Gone Camping

I spent the day yesterday visiting the 4-H camp I went to as a child.  The Foundation I run is currently funding a component of their summer camp on health and fitness and they asked me to come up and see it in action.  Site visits are pretty telling.  And, they are time consuming.  But, usually... they are worth the visit. 

In this particular case, the three hour drive to get to Camp Grant Walker seemed worth it.  I was a two-time alum (4th and 6th grade visits) and very curious about how it looked 25 years later. 

It was exciting to see the camp grounds again and visit the archery field where I once (twice, thirty times) tried to shoot a bow and arrow.  And, the dance pavilion made me very nostalgic.  I remember evenings there with "Almost Paradise" playing as I wondered if any boy would ask me to dance.  I have fond memories of my time at camp.

And even though I was heavier than most of the kids then, I remember being active there.  Swimming, running, playing.  I don't remember feeling especially fat.  I remember feeling great there.

My site visit was rolling along and I was going into one of the classes where they taught the kids about nutrition.  They were talking about calcium and how important it is for the body and our bones.  And, guess what they were making with calcium in it?  Homemade ice cream!  Made with real half and half.  And, lots of sugar.  Ugggh.  Ice cream.  Certainly, making ice cream at a camp is fun.  And, trust me.. those kids licked up every bite.  But, there are so many other things that could demonstrate the importance of calcium.  Right?  I now feel like a contributor to obesity in children rather than a program that is working to fight it.  Frustrating.  I try to not get too angry.

We enter the next room.  They are teaching kids about all of the various careers having to do with nutrition.  Dietician, nutrition, chef, etc.  Each day they do a different one and the kids learn something about that particular career.  The career of the day was.... cookie decorator, of course.  And, all the children were decorating cookies!  Again, feeling a bit like perhaps this was not the true intent of the dollars. 

On the long drive home from camp, I thought.... a lot.  I was quite perplexed by this.  I was angry at the camp that had offered me such incredible experiences.  By the time I got home I came to a conclusion.  I have influence.  Not just me as a person, but my role in my company.  I have power and I have influence.  I can help make change.  I can not fund snacks that aren't healthy. I can require all organizations receiving funds adhere to certain standards, certain requirements.  A health and fitness program can not have ice cream and cookies as its snacks!  It's unacceptable.  I can't, in good faith, allow our dollars to go to programs that are contributing to the problem.  Even if the children are learning a lot, the bad food is only reinforcing bad choices. 

It may be a long time before I'm asked to go camping again. 

The Self-Inflicted Stall

My last two weigh ins have left me hanging around the same number on the scale.  I'd love to say I'm experiencing a plateau.  Truth is, it's a self-inflicted stall on weight loss.  I've been bad.  I'm not working out as often as I was.  I'm still doing spin, step, pilates, etc.  But, I'm finding it easier to skip a Saturday or Sunday.  And, I'm finding it even more easy to enjoy a glass of wine. 

I know that these things are contributing to my stall.  And, I know I should be thrilled I haven't seen a real gain.  I like the size I am now.  And, I'd be pretty happy to live the rest of my life in these size 12 clothes I'm wearing.  I feel healthy.  I feel happy.  I am satisfied.

"So, where's the but?" you're thinking.  Well, there is one.  I'm happy.  I feel good.  But, I also feel like if I've done this much, I should at least try to get down to where I'm no longer listed as "overweight" on the BMI chart.  It only recently shifted from Obese to Overweight.  I thought that day would never come.  I don't know what weight I have to be to get there.  I've looked before but I never remember.  This has never been about a number of the scale to me.  I just know that I'm not there yet.  I did my BMI again last week and it was still showing "overweight."

Now, I just need to get my mind back in the game and get myself out of this self-inflicted stall. 

Hackin' into YouTube

I stumbled on videos from last year's Dancing with the Stars event.  Wow, I can really see the difference in my size now.  I look really heavy.  REALLY heavy and I hate seeing it.  The interview video played before my performance kills me.  I look blown up.  My actual dance video is also troubling but it doesn't bother me nearly as much.  Probably because the dress is so spectacular and a big distraction.

I hate that these videos are online for everyone to see.  I know its part of who I am/was.  But, I have worked so hard these last 40+ weeks.  I don't want people to see that anymore. That's not how I want to be remembered.

I find it so embarrassing.  I'm actually blushing as I type this.  So, how does one hack in to You Tube and destroy this damaging evidence?

Fridge Art

My job requires I attend a lot of functions, galas, luncheons, etc.  Many times that means there is a reporter there covering the event.  And, many times that means I make the paper.  In the last six months, I've been saving the photos from the paper to see if I can actually see any notable change in body size. They're my current fridge art.  

Surprisingly, I can't see the weight loss too much.  I've probably lost 30+ pounds from the time first photo made the fridge (top row middle) to the most recent (bottom right).  I think some angles are better than others, and more flattering.  But, I've actually been a little disappointed in this experiment.  I was hoping I would really see a significant difference and that would reinforce the good habits. 

On Friday night I saw a good friend and he commented that he really can't see any lose in my face (I can see it myself).  But, perhaps it just doesn't show up in the fridge art? 

Not Just for Thanksgiving Anymore

Most people only serve sweet potatoes on Thanksgiving.  Actually, that's when I remember them most around when I was growing up.  But, I believe those were covered in butter and sugar and probably not so great for you.

Now, I'm a fan of the sweet potato.  I mean, not a huge fan growing up. I didn't dislike them but I wasn't crazy in love with them.  But, that was before we really got to know each other.  We got reacquainted with each other this year and I have fallen in love.  ESPECIALLY with the sweet potato fry.  Not the ones that are really fried, of course... coz that wouldn't be in the box.  But, oven baked sweet potato fries are delicious.  And, at times, are my saving grace.  

Every visit to the local produce stand, I pick up a bag (or two) of frozen sweet potato fries.   That means I eat them a lot.  And here is why.

Sweet potato fries allow me to feel self-indulgent and out of the box.  Plus, they are filling and delicious.  And, even more important, they are incredibly good for you - fat free, high in vitamins, high in fiber.  So I eat them all the time now.  In fact, I've got a bowl of them next to me right now as I write this.

And as I see it, sweet potatoes are just for Thanksgiving anymore.

Now I Lay Me Down to...

Sleep.  Sleep is a beautiful thing.  Letting your body go and leaving the world for a few hours.

Before the diet, my sleep patterns were erratic.  I'm what you call a morning person.  5 am visits to the gym.  But, I could also easily be a night owl.  Most days I was the first up and the last to bed.  I was operating on 4 hours of sleep most days.

I've read again and again that sleep impacts weight.  In fact, some articles suggest that sleep impacts weight more than exercise.  And, lack of sleep can be detrimental on ones weight.

In a study in the American Journal of Epidemiology, "women who slept seven hours or more put on less weight over 16 years than women who slept less, even if the other women exercised. Those who slept only six hours a night were 12 percent more likely to put on more than 30 pounds; if the women slept five hours or less, they were 32 percent more likely to gain that much. Other studies have found that lack of sleep impacts hormones that regulate appetite (ghrelin and leptin) and that a higher BMI is proportionally linked to less sleep. One solution is to set the alarm so that you get your full night of sleep and schedule your exercise for later in the day.”

So, there you have it.  Sleep is important.  Meaning, those 4 hours I was getting every night was not doing me any favors.  It's not like I was getting a lot of stuff done.

But, now... since I got in the box, I can barely keep my eyes open past 9 pm.  Sometimes 8 pm.  It's almost as if the diet is dictating this new habit.  It's not like I made a conscious effort to nearly double my sleep each night (which is basically what I have done).  Isn't that great, though?  More sleep is, but not being to stay awake isn't so great.

The other night I was watching a show with the kids and couldn't stay awake.  I fell asleep with them all over me.  It's like my body just can't stay awake anymore and it HAS to sleep.  But, I guess this is good and what I need right now... so I'm going to go with it and sleep away.

Goodbye Pounds!

I had a surprisingly successful weight loss this week.  2.2 pounds down. 

That's a great number to lose while in the Maintenance Phase, especially when I know that I really wasn't so focused last week with my diet.  In fact, there were a couple of days I was pretty bad at tracking what I ate.  So, 2.2 pounds gone was great!

I do believe, though, that those green shakes I drink every morning have been a contributor.  I'm not exactly sure how/why... but I'm certain they are part of the equation.  All I know is that the more fruits and vegetables I eat during a week, the higher my weight loss generally is. 

Regardless, I'll take the loss.  And say goodbye to those 2.2 unwanted extra pounds!

Skinny Jeans

I bought some gray jeans back in March and wear them pretty regularly.  Yesterday I wore them to work for the first time and got so many comments on how skinny I look.

I met a colleague for lunch and she said the same.  Actually, she kept going on and on about it.  And, that girl IS skinny!

Skinny is never a word I'd use to describe myself or even connect with. It's a foreign concept.  That's like them saying, "Wow, you look so Chinese!!"  A pretty unrealistic concept... you know?

So, another friend came by last night and I made her take the picture below.  I must say, those are some pretty impressive jeans.  I do look skinny!!  And, that is a great feeling.  Makes the last 40 weeks worth it.

Communicating to the Plus Size Industry

After a lifetime living in the plus size industry, my name/address/email/whatever has successfully been placed on  every list available.  I get catalogs, discount cards, emails... daily.

Since most of my clothes are size 12 and the few size 14 items that remain in my closet are pretty loose, I think it's time to get off these lists.  But, how... ?  I didn't realize how many list I was on until now.  Wouldn't it be nice to send one email to someone saying, "I'm not as fat as I use to be... so please take me off your list."

Funny thing is... I think I'm still too fat to be a plus size model.  I was looking at one of the numerous catalogs I receive and thought about it.  Those girls really aren't fat.  I think most of the models are like a size 10.  Man, what a crazy world we live in.  They couldn't even shop in the stores they are advertising. 

Fatshionable

I did another round of weeding this week in my closet.  Two more garbage bags full of clothes gone to Goodwill!

I find this a daunting and exhausting task.  And, I've been trying to pile the clothes up as I notice they are getting too big.  I start a pile.  But, this time I hit the clothes that have been hiding in the back too.  And, I know I didn't even get them all.  There will be more to be wed!

But, as I go through some of these clothes I think... "Are you kidding... did I really wear this?"  And then I think "Why did I wear this?  Yowza!"  Then there are those things that still have the tag on them because I never had the confidence to wear it once I got it home.  Things that really don't look like they would be flattering on my figure (or anyone the least bit overweight, actually).

Anyway, perhaps I thought it was fashionable?  Who knows?

What I do know, though, is that plus size fashion has come a long way in the last 20 years but still has a long way to go.  And, why are most of the shirts/dresses in a plus size store sleeveless???  Seriously, you do not want to see my fat arms!  I will never understand that.

Oh well, goodbye clothes.  I hope you will let someone else look fatshionable.

Spinning the Pain Away

For the last five weeks, I have been spinning on Tuesday mornings.  It has been a challenging undertaking.  The 45 minute class has been surprisingly easy in some ways and hard in others.  The actual spinning doesn't bother me, nor does the up and down and increasing intervals.  What I can't seem to get is my form.  I believe I'm suppose to look like the gal on the left, straight back.  But, what I ultimately look like is the gal below.  Because what kills me is PAIN and discomfort of the damn bike seat.

Seriously, I think childbirth was worse.  And, I had two HUGE babies (over 10 pounds each) natural -- no epidurals.

Why does it hurt so damn bad? And, then for the rest of the day I am sore there or my lower back is sore. So, I assume my form is wrong.  Perhaps my seat, handle bars are not set right?  Thinking this, I stayed after class last week for some one on one time with my teacher.  She went over all my settings with me and said they were perfect and decided it's probably the seat... explaining it takes some time to get use to.  "Yeah, that seat is a killer!"  But, how much time?

I wanted to do spin because it would be challenging and it burns a lot of calories.  But, will I ever get use to the pain?  If I keep going will I eventually spin the pain away??

There's a really great blog online (where I swiped the drawing above) about a woman's experience spinning.  Actually, her entire blog is pretty fun.  It's about her attempt to become more athletic. Check it out.  Here's the Trying Not to Vomit in Spin Class from Tri-ing to be Athletic blog.

Open for Breakfast

When I was in middle school, I started gaining weight.  I was already over weight, but the pounds were coming on at an even faster rate than before.  My older sister had also been overweight and showing no signs of dropping pounds.  And, it apparently was beginning to disturb my parents. 

It was summer time.  A great time for sleeping in and relaxing until....

One morning at about 6 am, my dad came into my sister and my room (we shared a room).  He said, "Get up.  Get your shoes one. Lets go!"  I remember being very sleepy and disoriented when we finally got into his car.  We had no idea where we were going.  He drove us to my middle school (which was about 1 mile or 2 from my house).  He pulled in the lot and stopped.  Then he said, "Get out.  Now walk home." 

Ok.  This may sound harsh.  Remember this is coming from the perspective of a 14 year old.  I have no idea what really happened.  That's just all I remember. 

Anyway, it was hot and we weren't happy.  We didn't want to exercise.  It was 6 am and it was summer!!  And, gosh it was hot that morning.  But, we did it.  We walked home and got our exercise in.

The next morning we did it again.  I was still disoriented and sleepy.  And, it was hot again.  But, this time my sister (who was much smarter and more devious than I) was prepared.  About half way home there was a Wendy's restaurant with a big sign reading "Open for Breakfast".  When we approached it, she motioned to me to go in.  With a devilish smile she said, "Want breakfast?"  And, she held up some cash.  She really was a genius.

So, that's how we spent our summer.  Woken up by my dad each morning and dumped for exercise.  Then, stopping at Wendy's for their new breakfast menu.  I guess my parents didn't understand why the pounds weren't going away.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if we gained a few pounds that summer.  I mean who would have anticipated Wendy's would be open for breakfast? :)