Skinny Jeans

I bought some gray jeans back in March and wear them pretty regularly.  Yesterday I wore them to work for the first time and got so many comments on how skinny I look.

I met a colleague for lunch and she said the same.  Actually, she kept going on and on about it.  And, that girl IS skinny!

Skinny is never a word I'd use to describe myself or even connect with. It's a foreign concept.  That's like them saying, "Wow, you look so Chinese!!"  A pretty unrealistic concept... you know?

So, another friend came by last night and I made her take the picture below.  I must say, those are some pretty impressive jeans.  I do look skinny!!  And, that is a great feeling.  Makes the last 40 weeks worth it.

Communicating to the Plus Size Industry

After a lifetime living in the plus size industry, my name/address/email/whatever has successfully been placed on  every list available.  I get catalogs, discount cards, emails... daily.

Since most of my clothes are size 12 and the few size 14 items that remain in my closet are pretty loose, I think it's time to get off these lists.  But, how... ?  I didn't realize how many list I was on until now.  Wouldn't it be nice to send one email to someone saying, "I'm not as fat as I use to be... so please take me off your list."

Funny thing is... I think I'm still too fat to be a plus size model.  I was looking at one of the numerous catalogs I receive and thought about it.  Those girls really aren't fat.  I think most of the models are like a size 10.  Man, what a crazy world we live in.  They couldn't even shop in the stores they are advertising. 

Fatshionable

I did another round of weeding this week in my closet.  Two more garbage bags full of clothes gone to Goodwill!

I find this a daunting and exhausting task.  And, I've been trying to pile the clothes up as I notice they are getting too big.  I start a pile.  But, this time I hit the clothes that have been hiding in the back too.  And, I know I didn't even get them all.  There will be more to be wed!

But, as I go through some of these clothes I think... "Are you kidding... did I really wear this?"  And then I think "Why did I wear this?  Yowza!"  Then there are those things that still have the tag on them because I never had the confidence to wear it once I got it home.  Things that really don't look like they would be flattering on my figure (or anyone the least bit overweight, actually).

Anyway, perhaps I thought it was fashionable?  Who knows?

What I do know, though, is that plus size fashion has come a long way in the last 20 years but still has a long way to go.  And, why are most of the shirts/dresses in a plus size store sleeveless???  Seriously, you do not want to see my fat arms!  I will never understand that.

Oh well, goodbye clothes.  I hope you will let someone else look fatshionable.

Spinning the Pain Away

For the last five weeks, I have been spinning on Tuesday mornings.  It has been a challenging undertaking.  The 45 minute class has been surprisingly easy in some ways and hard in others.  The actual spinning doesn't bother me, nor does the up and down and increasing intervals.  What I can't seem to get is my form.  I believe I'm suppose to look like the gal on the left, straight back.  But, what I ultimately look like is the gal below.  Because what kills me is PAIN and discomfort of the damn bike seat.

Seriously, I think childbirth was worse.  And, I had two HUGE babies (over 10 pounds each) natural -- no epidurals.

Why does it hurt so damn bad? And, then for the rest of the day I am sore there or my lower back is sore. So, I assume my form is wrong.  Perhaps my seat, handle bars are not set right?  Thinking this, I stayed after class last week for some one on one time with my teacher.  She went over all my settings with me and said they were perfect and decided it's probably the seat... explaining it takes some time to get use to.  "Yeah, that seat is a killer!"  But, how much time?

I wanted to do spin because it would be challenging and it burns a lot of calories.  But, will I ever get use to the pain?  If I keep going will I eventually spin the pain away??

There's a really great blog online (where I swiped the drawing above) about a woman's experience spinning.  Actually, her entire blog is pretty fun.  It's about her attempt to become more athletic. Check it out.  Here's the Trying Not to Vomit in Spin Class from Tri-ing to be Athletic blog.

Open for Breakfast

When I was in middle school, I started gaining weight.  I was already over weight, but the pounds were coming on at an even faster rate than before.  My older sister had also been overweight and showing no signs of dropping pounds.  And, it apparently was beginning to disturb my parents. 

It was summer time.  A great time for sleeping in and relaxing until....

One morning at about 6 am, my dad came into my sister and my room (we shared a room).  He said, "Get up.  Get your shoes one. Lets go!"  I remember being very sleepy and disoriented when we finally got into his car.  We had no idea where we were going.  He drove us to my middle school (which was about 1 mile or 2 from my house).  He pulled in the lot and stopped.  Then he said, "Get out.  Now walk home." 

Ok.  This may sound harsh.  Remember this is coming from the perspective of a 14 year old.  I have no idea what really happened.  That's just all I remember. 

Anyway, it was hot and we weren't happy.  We didn't want to exercise.  It was 6 am and it was summer!!  And, gosh it was hot that morning.  But, we did it.  We walked home and got our exercise in.

The next morning we did it again.  I was still disoriented and sleepy.  And, it was hot again.  But, this time my sister (who was much smarter and more devious than I) was prepared.  About half way home there was a Wendy's restaurant with a big sign reading "Open for Breakfast".  When we approached it, she motioned to me to go in.  With a devilish smile she said, "Want breakfast?"  And, she held up some cash.  She really was a genius.

So, that's how we spent our summer.  Woken up by my dad each morning and dumped for exercise.  Then, stopping at Wendy's for their new breakfast menu.  I guess my parents didn't understand why the pounds weren't going away.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if we gained a few pounds that summer.  I mean who would have anticipated Wendy's would be open for breakfast? :)

Emotional Baggage

Monday night marked a huge milestone for me in terms of total weight loss.  And, when I hit that mark on scale I wasn't happy.  I felt an incredible sense of remorse and sadness.

I'm not sure how to explain what brought those strong feelings of sadness on, but I could barely keep from crying during my entire fat class.  I think weight loss is a very emotional experience for some people.  A lot of regret of past decisions and, perhaps with me, feeling like a failure because of my inability to maintain control of myself.

Monday night was definitely the most depressed I've been in a long time.  I even talked to my health coach about it.  Apparently, depression and sadness are pretty common reactions to significant weight loss.  And, I'm okay now.  But, it's obvious that it doesn't matter how much weight you lose, the emotional baggage is still there and it's pretty heavy.

Therapeutic Massage

As I mentioned recently, my foot has been killing me.  It's been almost three years since I had my fall, causing a lisfranc fracture.  And, for nearly two years I've been finished with occupational therapy.  And, these last two years my left foot has had very little flexibility.  My left toes barely wiggle.  My foot is so tight.  The recent dancing has irritated it and caused some swelling and aching.  Finally, I felt like it really just needs to be loosened up quite a bit.  

What better way to loosen it up but through a massage?  And, why just have your foot done?  Why not have the rest of me massaged while there?  So, I made a lunch appointment on Friday for a full body massage.  When I got there I talked to the massage therapist at length about my injury and asked her to dedicate a large portion of time to my foot.  She did and wow.... she really, really loosened my foot.  I could immediately feel the difference.  My toes can move and it's so much more flexible.  It's still no where like it was before the accident.  But, this is the first time since the accident that I actually feels as though my foot is close to normal again.  She suggested I see her for my foot a few more times in the near future to increase the flexibility.  And, while I'm there... I guess I'll have to take care of the rest of me, right? 

Welcome home, Vitamix!

Yes, it cost a fortune.  More money than I ever thought I'd spend on a blender.  But, I also never really thought I'd be so dependent on a blender either.  Especially since before this diet... I thought they were just for making margueritas!

On Saturday we welcomed the Vitamix into our home.  And, I can honestly say, on first shake... I fell in love!  It's an incredible appliance.  My green shakes have been so smooth and well-blended.  And, the book that comes with it has such a variety of recipes (soups, shakes, desserts, etc).  My husband couldn't wait to try out some soup recipes.  He did one tonight, in fact!

So, we have welcomed Vitamix happily into our home.   I hope you stay around for a long, long time!

The Case of the Burnt Out Blender

I've been on this diet 40 weeks, and that means 40 weeks of shakes.  That's a lot of blending.  I mean, I probably average 2-3 shakes a day.  So, I wasn't really surprised when the blender started messing up this week.  I've been having a lot of leakage. 

I think my new found addiction to green smoothies has taken a toll.  Even though my blender was still fairly new and a KitchenAid, the frozen fruit and heavy usage has worn it out. 

Now, I guess it's time to really invest in a heavy duty model!! 

All I See is Fat

Saturday night was my comeback for the Dance gig.  And while my routine was short (seriously, if you sneezed you would miss me), I was very nervous.  I actually felt more nervous this year than last.  That's partially because my new dance partner and I barely rehearsed.  We only had a couple of dedicated times to practice and we weren't really ever in sync.  So, I was never comfortable with it.

Secondly, I'm so much smaller.  And, people are looking.  Plus, I bought a special dress and I really wanted to look thin for the performance. 

I did get lots of great compliments on my dress and how I looked and I did feel great.  But, now the pictures are in and all I see is fat.  I do see I'm smaller, but I really feel like I look fat. 

A woman that works out with me lost a significant amount of weight several years back.  She warned me that mentally she is still messed up.  She said all she sees is fat still. 

I've spent my entire life seeing myself as fat.  But, I look at these pictures and I see all the flaws. 

I don't want to just see fat in me.  I want to move past this mindset.  But how?

False Feeling of Freedom

Weigh in was last night.  I mentioned in the last post my week included a crazy schedule, food from out of the box, alcohol... I was hoping to just maintain my weight this week.  I wasn't planning for a loss, or even hoping.

Since I've been in the maintenance phase (which has now been about 14 weeks), I've lost another 14+ pounds.  Certainly, I'd be glad to lose more.  But, I haven't been as focused on weight loss during this phase.  I've been more interested in freedom and maintenance.  And, I have enjoyed that freedom.  However, some days I'm reminded that my feeling of freedom is really false.  While I do enjoy the freedom of not being stuck in the box all the time, I am reminded every Monday at weigh in that freedom I've been enduring is false. 

Truth is, I'm never free.  My weight is always going to be an issue.  And, I can't forget that or I will fall back into bad patterns.

Anyway, the weigh in was, actually, great.  I weighed exactly the same on the scale, to the ounce! Guess I just got lucky.  But, it was a good reminder of to be cause of my new found freedom!

Running Ragged

I spent the last few days running like crazy to get things ready for my company's participation in a couple of different events, most especially the Dancing with the Stars deal. 

I missed three days of exercise in a row, ate off the diet, and drank.  Tonight's weigh in should be interesting.  My hope is to have merely maintained.  But, I wouldn't be surprised is a gain shows.  I wasn't really bad.  But, I might have been just bad enough. 

It's really hard to be focused on making healthy choices when I'm running ragged.

Losing a Backstreet Boy

I know it shouldn't bother me.  But, the truth is... it does.  A lot.  And, that is why it has now made the blog.

Friday morning I was at my daughter's school for a ceremony.  In the midst of the many parents seated in the stands, I saw some friends whose child is in the same class.  The wife looked at me in amazement and made a gesture about my weight loss.  The husband's response?  In front of everyone, he screamed up to her, "I know.  She's lost a Backstreet Boy!"

Perhaps that is a compliment and it shouldn't offend me?  I don't know.  I was pretty much mortified.  And, I literally turned and walked away because I could feel the tears forming.

I hate it when I get a comment like that.  While the actual weight might equate to a small child or (another one I get a lot) an actual "third grader," I don't want to hear it.  It saddens me. It embarrasses me.  And, on occasion, it can bring me to tears.  I'm not proud of what I was before.  And, hearing it in those terms is a reminder of an existence I don't want to be associated with.

This doesn't mean I'm not proud of my accomplishment.  I'd just rather leave the Backstreet Boys out of it.

All Employee Warm Up

 

Thursday was our spring Walk At Work day.  A great way to get in some extra exercise during the work day.

We coupled the event with a community relations fundraiser so I was asked to speak to employees before it and participate in the warm up exercise.  The above photos were taken during the warm up and put in our all employee email today.  I wasn't too excited to be a model in the warm up exercise in front of everyone.  That's a little embarrassing.  Nor was I overly thrilled for images of that to be put in the all employee newsletter. 

But - I got a lot of comments on how thin I look today, which is always nice.  And, let's not forget that maybe I encouraged others to get out there and walk too.  That is definitely a great part of my job!

My 1% Injury

Lisfranc injuries are rare, complex and often misdiagnosed.  Typical signs and symptoms include pain, swelling, and the inability to bear weight.  The incidence of Lisfranc joint fracture­ dislocations is one case per 55,000 persons each year. Meaning, these injuries account for fewer than 1 percent of all fractures. 

In October 2008, I drank my way into a Lisfranc fracture.  It was a fun night, very fun... all my friends agree.  But, the injury was bad.  Painful.  Long term. Permanent. 
 
Despite the surgery and screws required to fix the foot, the pain continues nearly three years later.  It's not constant (anymore).  Most days I'm really not bothered by it.  I've either grown accustom to it or it really is better.  But, there are other days..... well, it's bad.

Today is one of them.  My foot is killing me.  I thought that reducing the magnitude of mass/weight being placed on my foot would make a huge difference on the occasional pain I feel in my left foot.

Now that I'm dancing again, my foot is swelling again.  And, it is aching constantly.  It's kind of depressing, really.  I was certain that weight loss would cure any problems I had with my foot --  severe swelling or pain.  Guess my 1% injury is something I'll be living with for a long time afterall.